What we really know about anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common reasons people come to therapy. And yet, it is surprisingly hard to pin down. For some, it shows up as constant worry or a low-level sense of being on edge. For others, it can be more physical: poor sleep, stomach issues, restlessness, or feeling unable to settle.

Many of us will recognise the experience of feeling anxious before a job interview or an important presentation, only to be told by a well-meaning friend that what we are feeling is really ‘excitement’. This small, attempted reassurance highlights two things. First, that anxiety is not always easy to separate from other emotions. And second, that anxiety can mean different things to different people, after all ‘worry’ is not the same as ‘excitement’.

What is ‘normal’ anxiety?

These days, anxiety is often divided into what is sometimes called ‘normal anxiety’ and an ‘anxiety disorder’, commonly Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD). If anxiety feels linked to a particular situation, such as work or a relationship, it is often described as proportionate or ‘normal’, even if it is uncomfortable. If it spreads across many areas of life and feels difficult to control, it may be understood as more generalised.

From a counselling perspective, this distinction can be helpful, but in practice it is rarely neat. Common questionnaires ask about experiences like trouble relaxing or feeling easily irritated, which can just as easily reflect work stress, burnout, poor sleep, or parenting realities as much as any disorder. The label of ‘disorder’ may help prioritise who gets treatment, but can also risk medicalising the emotional challenges life throws at us, without necessarily helping us to navigate them.

In therapy, anxiety is often understood less as a fault to be fixed and more as a response to perceived threat.

That threat might be external, such as immediate work pressures, financial uncertainty, or relationship strain. It might also be internal, shaped by self-criticism, shame, or fears about failure or not being enough. Some of our anxiety is rooted in earlier experiences and relationships, and is also influenced by our genetics.

From this perspective, therapy is not about getting rid of anxiety altogether, but about listening to it, understanding it more fully, and finding better ways to respond.

Anxiety is rarely lonely

Anxiety often sits alongside other difficult experiences such as low mood or depression, burnout, reliance on alcohol or other ways of coping, or strained relationships. Over time, these experiences can feed into one another, making it hard to know what came first.

Being anxious for long periods is emotionally exhausting, and low mood can follow. Equally, if we feel flat, disconnected, or worn down, anxieties can rise. These ‘anxious and depressed’ cycles might leave us exhausted, indecisive, withdrawn, or numb.

Anxiety is also closely linked to our relationships. Fears of loss, rejection, or not being enough can lead us to behave in ways that place strain on our relationships. Without reflection, understanding, support, and practice these relationship difficulties can then, in turn, deepen anxiety.

Statistically, anxiety is thought to be rising. Around ‘one in three’ adults in the UK say they experience high levels of anxiety, up from around ‘one in five’ 10 years ago. Various reasons are given for this, including the COVID-19 pandemic and the rise of social media, with the case for the latter gaining popularity due to Jonathan Haidt’s bestselling ‘The Anxious Generation’.

But the complexities and lack of data on social media use, anxiety and depression mean the relationship is likely to be much more complicated than the bestseller suggests. After all, academic and financial pressures, sleep issues, and social isolation are also on the rise.

What makes therapy effective for anxiety

When we experience anxiety, many of us naturally reach for tools to manage it. Mindfulness, exercise, journalling, time with friends, and a decent sleep can all make a difference in the moment.

Therapy goes beyond tools. It is valuable in creating lasting change because it provides time to understand the reasons anxiety is coming up and what it might be in response to. Exploring past experiences, current pressures, and relational patterns with a trusted therapist can help make sense of fears and habits.

Rather than trying to ‘stop’ anxiety, therapy involves curiosity and understanding. Over time, this helps connect us with our values and creates more choice about how we want to live, even with the uncertainties, pressures and anxieties life brings.

If reading this has resonated with you and you’d like to explore therapy with me, you’re very welcome to email me at info@danieljolles.com to arrange a free, confidential discovery call.